Many people have difficulty speaking up in conflict situations. Others feel intimidated by pushy people, or have low self-esteem and regularly put aside their own desires in favor of what others want. This can result in a variety of psychological problems, depression, with feelings of low self-esteem and helplessness. Lack of assertiveness makes you feel powerless.

Assertion means standing up for what you want: Stating your needs clearly. It means expressing opposition. It means confrontation and it takes courage. Some find it harder than others because of their natural easy-going style and therefore more practice is required. However, the aim should not be just to gain a win. The aim should be to solve the problem and get the best result. Assertion should not be synonymous with aggression because aggressive people adopt an ‘I win – you lose’ mentality to achieve their objectives. Correct assertiveness allows for the voicing of difference and the position of negotiation to both give and receive in the relationship transaction.

Assertiveness does not come naturally to all because they have learned passive behaviours to stave off confrontational situations. The problem with this is the deception that gets created, in oneself and in the relationship with the other party, sometimes leading to ‘passive aggressive’ responses that create bad feeling and confusion. However avoidance, passive responses and other weakness based behaviours can be unlearned and assertive behaviour used to produce results that benefit both parties.

In a work context, if managers are to feel effective, they have to find ways to manage their direct reports confidently and have the difficult conversations that often need to be had, to address poor performance or bad behaviour. This is often feared and the magnitude of the problem grows in the imagination prior to the actual doing of it. If managers know a step by step ‘How to’ go through such a conversation, and have had a chance to role play it, in a workshop, the fear can be shrunk as they know they have done it already. Workshops to  role play such difficult conversations are part of our Performance Improvement workshops for managers in training to increase their managerial capabilities. They are often cited as the best part of the programme and are certainly used extensively in their integration practise back in the workplace.

© William Wallace

Business Coach and Development Manager, Corporate Alchemy